THIS IS TRUE FRIENDSHIP

           “The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hands, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with friendship.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

            Nothing but heaven itself”, says Plautus, “is better than a friend who is really a friend”. Friendship, even though not counted among the basic needs of man is almost an indispensable part of our existence. We all need and desire to love, be loved and relate with others. As Aristotle puts it “no one would choose the whole world on condition of being alone, since man is a political creature one whose nature is to live with others.” Friendship is nothing but a mutually recognized feeling of goodwill between two persons; if only one person has a feeling of goodwill then it is not friendship and even if the two have feelings of goodwill towards each other but it is left hidden in the heart and not expressed, it is also not friendship. Friendship implies intimacy and deep sharing. Thus, when Jesus tried to show how intimate He wants us to be with him, He said, “I no longer call you servants, … but friends.” True friends are considered gifts from the Most high.

Friendship, however, needful and common it is, is a controversial issue especially as regards what true friendship is. Following Aristotle’s line of thought, there are three types of friendship. Friendship of Utility, Friendship of Pleasure and Friendship of Virtue.

The Friendship of Utility is a kind of friendship that exists because of what we gain from the other. It is a friendship not based on love of the person but love of what we can gain. This can be subtle. Sometimes we think we love the person but in real fact, we love his usefulness. This is the most common type of friendship. It is characterized by complaints when some expected gain is not met. Thus, we can ascertain whether we practice a friendship of utility by the level of our complaints even if it is not voiced out.

There is also friendship of Pleasure, which is based on the pleasure we gain from the other. It can, in some sense, be related to the friendship of virtue but it is based on the pleasure we gain from the other person. It is mostly found among young people because they are easily moved by passion.

Nevertheless, we have the friendship of Virtue. This type of Friendship is the best and most noble. It is a kind of friendship based on self-sacrificing love. Here, all one cares about is the good of the other person without thinking about oneself. It is a rare type of friendship but should exist among Christians. There are no complaints because the focus is to give and not to receive. This kind of friendship requires internal goodness. According to Aristotle, this type friend is an extension of oneself; the good friend is like a mirror through which someone sees himself and thus, a good friend helps you to know yourself better. Consequently, man needs to be good in himself in other to be good to his friend, for a man cannot give what he does not have within him. A good man will ordinarily and easily tend towards goodness with his friends and the bad man, evil.

The friendship of Virtue is the kind of friendship Jesus offered us; for while we were yet sinners He died for us. This is the kind of friendship our Lady teaches us; she ran to take care of a fellow pregnant woman without thinking of herself. This is the kind of friendship we see among friendly saints like St. Basil and St. Gregory Nazianzen.

What kind of friendship do you practice?

Nor do we need to question the importance of true friendship in our Christian journey. Francis de Sales has this to tell us, “If the bond of your mutual liking be charity, devotion and Christian perfection, God knows how very precious a friendship it is! Precious because it comes from God, because God is the link that binds you, because it will last for ever in Him…. No one can deny that our Dear Lord loved John, Lazarus, Martha, Magdalene with a special tender friendship…. What need to affirm so unquestionable a fact! Saint Jerome, Saint Augustine, Saint Gregory, Saint Bernard and all the most notable servants of God, have had special friendships which in nowise hindered their perfection.” (St. Francis de Sales. Introduction to Devout Life. ‘Real Friendship”).